42 modern proverbs

Things you should have learned by the time you have reached Middle Age, collected from the World Wide Web.

  1. A balanced diet is a double chocolate chip muffin in each hand.
  2. Never get a bikini wax from a girl who has just had an argument with her boyfriend.
  3. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  4. A healthy attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
  5. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important: pay attention! It never fails.)
  6. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  8. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  9. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
  10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  11. Don’t worry about what people think: they don’t do it very often.
  12. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.
  13. Eternity’s a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it all going to end?
  14. Every exit is an entrance into somewhere else.
  15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  16. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
  17. If you had to identify, in one phrase, the reason why the human race has not achieved — & never will achieve — its full potential, that phrase would be “business meetings”.
  18. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  20. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  21. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat
  22. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  23. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  24. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  25. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  26. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  27. Never lick a steak knife.
  28. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  29. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
  31. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  32. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  33. People who want to share their views on religion with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  34. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  35. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL reckon that we are above average drivers.
  37. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  38. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  39. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  40. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  41. Wherever you go, there you are.
  42. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  43. When a text at the top of a list says it contains as many as 42 of anything, there's a good chance that, by the time he got to the 43rd item on the list, the guy realized that he had considerably underestimated how many items there were and that the end was still some way off.
  44. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  45. Your friends love you anyway.
  46. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  47. Anybody who uses the term “Christian” to mean simply “a good person” is either an American or else living mentally in the 17th century (and those two are quite often tantamount to the same thing).
  48. Like I said back at number 43, never believe a too-neat number assigned to a collection of stuff (as with 42 which, as we all know, is The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything); if the actual number of items matches the number given beforehand, the collection has probably been cut ruthlessly, or else padded shamelessly, simply so as to fit.